August 6, 2026:

Dear Diary, my attorney general nomination just advanced. I just had to pledge to make Dobbs permanent in every state and ban mailed abortion pills. Anything for Donny!

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Dear Diary,

Advanced out of committee this week. Twelve to ten. Every Republican, no Democrats. I did a small fist pump when I got the news. Kristine made pancakes. It’s a good day for the rule of law, I told her. That’s nice, dear, she said, and asked if I’d taken out the recycling. 

I have not taken out the recycling, Kristine. I have been thinking about that call I had last week—the one where I spent like an hour assuring some of the nation’s most committed Christians that I will end abortion.

The White House Faith Office organized the call. It was a prayer call, not a press call, which Intercessors for America, a national prayer group, made clear by instructing all journalists to hang up. But then the organizers posted the call to YouTube, where any journalist could listen to it. And then Politico reported what I said. And then the call disappeared from the internet. Now, everyone is losing their minds, all because of the lamestream media. (Does anyone even call it that anymore?)

Anyway, faith leaders were on the line. Anti-abortion people. All the usual Christians. They have been concerned that the administration is insufficiently focused on abortion merely because the president does not like discussing abortion and would prefer that everyone stop asking him about it. 

I assured them there was no cause for concern. Sure, Donny said on the campaign trail in 2024 that “the federal government should have nothing to do with this issue.” This issue being mailing abortion pills. But he says stuff all the time. 

So I said we would make sure “the Dobbs decision becomes permanent in every single state.” I was talking about the Supreme Court decision that ended Roe v. Wade in 2022. You know the one. A lot of states banned abortion after that. That line went over extremely well. Anytime you’re in hot water with anti-abortion people, just bring up the case that ended Roe. It’s like jingling keys in front of a baby. Works every time. One person thanked God for me by name. “Thank God for Todd.” It has been a difficult year, so I appreciated hearing that.

I also told them we were putting “practices and policies” in place to stop the mailing of abortion pills. Did I say we’d use FDA regulations? Nope. Did I say we’d use the Comstock Act? Nope. I said practices and policies, didn’t stop for questions, and moved on. 

People are very excited about Comstock. It’s a pretty sweet law from 1873 that made it illegal to mail abortion drugs and supplies and nobody enforced it for over a century. But that doesn’t mean we can’t enforce it now to stop doctors from mailing mifepristone. Louisiana is complaining about being “blanketed in mifepristone” and they’re looking to me to fix it. Fine.

Technically, we could use Comstock to ban doctors from mailing misoprostol, too. Especially with Clarence Thomas and Sam Alito on the bench. Clarence Thomas already said the companies that make mifepristone were “operating a criminal enterprise,” but nobody’s really talking that much about misoprostol. At least not yet. 

I bet Democrats are pretty bummed they never repealed the Comstock Act I mean, come on, guys. Rookie move.

Then again, we might not even have to dust off Comstock. We can always just wait for the Food and Drug Administration to finish its “review” of mifepristone and then tell the libs that the agency made a mistake when it authorized the pill 26 years ago. That’ll really make them mad. 

So, I explained all of that during the prayer call and everyone was happy. Kristan Hawkins may have offered to bake me a cake. She heads up Students for Life. Now that I think about it, it’s possible she was telling me that she couldn’t hear me because I was muted. It doesn’t matter.

The important thing is that everyone left the call reassured that we’re still focused on ending abortion nationwide. Raise a zombie law from the dead? Okay, sure. Can I get back to the business of protecting the president now? 

But it’s fine. Managing expectations is part of the job. The president is busy explaining that the Epstein files are a hoax, which would be easier if people would stop asking to see them. My job is to keep the anti-abortion people from reminding everyone that abortion rates are increasing even though we ended Roe—or asking the president what he intends to do about it.

People like abortion. That’s not my fault.

In other news, I also resolved the slush fund matter this week. People really didn’t take to the proposal the way we thought they would. We wanted to create a $1.8 billion fund to pay people who felt persecuted, some of whom were at the Capitol on a certain day for certain reasons. I thought making the fund $1.776 billion was particularly clever, but I guess no one has a sense of humor anymore.  

Sens. John Cornyn and Thom Tillis told me they would not support my nomination for attorney general unless the fund was eliminated. So on Sunday night, I posted a document on X eliminating it. Easy. 

People are asking questions about whether a document posted on social media counts as ‘legally binding’ or ‘actually eliminates the fund.’ It doesn’t matter. The document satisfied Cornyn and Tillis, and that’s exactly what documents are for.

There are people in Washington who make simple things unnecessarily complicated. If a senator needs a document, you give him a document. If an anti-abortion donor needs a nationwide abortion ban, you tell them you’ll end abortion in every state, don’t worry about it. If the president needs the Epstein matter to disappear, you—

Well. Some matters require additional review.

My dear wife Kristine asked what will happen now that I have advanced out of committee. I told her the full Senate will consider my nomination and, assuming everything proceeds appropriately, I will be confirmed.

She asked whether I was worried about job security. People in your job get fired a lot, she said. 

I am not worried. I have done everything asked of me. I have reassured the Christians, satisfied the senators, handled the documents, and protected the president from several conversations he did not want to have.

In this White House, people who do that tend to last. 

I mean, Pam didn’t, but I’m different.

Well, Kristine just placed the recycling directly in front of the door, which feels unnecessarily adversarial. But if I just take out the damn recycling, I can get some Call of Duty time in. I wonder if my boys are online.

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