SO GLAD YOU ASKED: First Time Sex Tips

By Robin of Sex Sense

Hey there! We’re SO GLAD YOU ASKED! Our team at Sex Sense gets lots of questions, and we are re-launching our So Glad You Asked blog posts as part of our SexPlus Week 2026 celebration! This week, Robin is answering one of our most common questions: “what do I need to know for the first time I have sex?” 

By popular demand, here are our tips for first time sex. While in some places we’re talking specifically about vaginal and/or anal sex, all types of sexual activity are legitimate, and what signifies your first time is up to you. Virginity is a social construct and vaginal and anal sex are by no means the only “real” type of sex! Many of these tips will be useful for any kind of first sexual activity – and beyond!

Talk about it One of the most important factors in a satisfying sexual relationship is our ability to communicate with our partner. Here are some things you may want to communicate about with your partner before and during first time sex:

• • What kinds of sex you’re ready for: Even when we know we want to have sex, we may be comfortable with some things and not others. Thinking through what we feel ready for ahead of time can make it easier to communicate our boundaries to our partner(s) before or during sex.
  • Safer sex and pregnancy prevention: see more below on this!
  • Getting consent: The most important first step in any kind of sexual activity is getting consent, or in other words, the other person’s permission or agreement to that activity. Consent needs to be freely given without any pressure, clearly communicated, ongoing (as in it’s good to check in regularly, and a person can change their mind at any time), and ideally enthusiastic.
  • What feels good and what doesn’t: Experimenting and exploring, when we feel safe to, can be a great way to find out what we do and don’t like. Or maybe you’ve already learned some things about what you like or don’t like, through masturbation or previous sexual activity. Communicating this can help us get more of what we do like and less of what we don’t. In penetrative sex, it is particularly important that the person being penetrated is able to communicate whether things are working and if they ever need things to slow down, be gentler, or ease up.

Play it Safe & Sober

Although sex can never be 100% safe, there are many ways of making it safer, and here are a few of those:

• • Safer Sex and STIs: Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) can pass through skin-to-skin contact or fluid exchange during sex. If it is everyone’s first time having sexual contact, there isn’t much chance of an STI passing. However, there are a few instances in which there may be a small chance (for example if one of you has had sexual activity other than intercourse) so it may be good to consider ways to make sex safer. This can include STI testing, using external or internal condoms, and the HPV vaccine if you haven’t already gotten it in school. If you’d like to discuss this more, please contact Sex Sense.
  • Pregnancy prevention: : If someone with a uterus is involved, it can be useful and reassuring to learn about what can cause pregnancy, and think ahead of time about reducing the chances – unless of course, you are trying to get pregnant! Condom use is one method that will reduce the chance of both pregnancy and STIs. Condoms on their own aren’t super strong protection against pregnancy though, so you may want to use condoms as well as another method. A great place to start is learning about different kinds of birth control. If you have questions, or need help finding a method that works for you, please contact Sex Sense.
  • Sobriety or limiting drugs and alcohol: Limiting alcohol and drugs makes having safer sex much easier – when we are under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol we’re less likely to follow through on our plans for safer sex. It can also make us less present and able to communicate clearly with our partner. While I have no judgement at all on people who mix substances and sex, for first time sex, I’d recommend doing it sober. Also, when someone’s judgment is clouded by alcohol and/or drugs, it can be harder to get consent. In fact, if someone is drunk or high, then in certain circumstances it can be considered a sexual assault. That’s a lot to negotiate for first time sex!

Lube it up

Lubrication in sex reduces friction and makes things slippery, which can feel better and be less likely to cause discomfort or damage. The vagina produces its own lubrication when someone is turned on, but that isn’t always enough. Adding store bought lubrication – often called “lube” – is definitely recommended.

With anal sex, lube is particularly important as the anus and rectum do not have their own source of lubrication like a vagina or mouth. Especially with anal sex, the rule with lube is to add as much as you think you need, and then add some more!

More lube/less friction is better for a condom as well, if you’re using one. If using latex condoms, it is important to use lubricants that are water or silicone-based. Never use petroleum or oil-based lubricants (like Vaseline or massage oil) with a latex condom as they will destroy it!

You can buy lube at a drug store, adult store, or online. Many clinics also offer it for free.

Go slow about it

Try to take your time and enjoy lots of other kinds of activity before penetration. If you are both feeling relaxed and turned on before penetration happens, sex will likely be much more enjoyable.

In fact, let’s just take a moment to acknowledge it’s kind of strange that we call so many kinds of sex foreplay – as if they aren’t as important as intercourse, which is often considered the main act! This is kind of heteronormative, am I right? For some people, the activities branded as “foreplay” are the kinds of sex they enjoy most or the only kinds of sex they have.

But if intercourse is your thing: With vaginal sex, the vagina lengthens and expands when someone is aroused and so penetrative sex can also sometimes be more comfortable and pleasurable when people take the time to relax and enjoy the process rather than rush to intercourse.

And being genuinely relaxed is very important with anal sex, since there are rings of muscle around the opening of the anus and inside that need to relax to allow pain-free penetration. If either ring of muscle is tense, penetration can feel uncomfortable or even painful.

When everyone is relaxed, aroused, and ready for penetration, do not just push the penis or toy in! Instead, take it slow. Start with the head or tip first. If that feels OK, ease it in an inch or two farther and check in again. However far it ends up going, hold it there again for a moment before starting to move in and out. Take as much time as needed to adjust to each new sensation.

Make it about pleasure not pressure to perform

When people describe difficulties with sex – whether erectile issues, premature ejaculation, difficulty orgasming or so on – the common factor is usually a sense of pressure. When we’re feeling pressure to perform in a certain way, that worry or stress can make it a lot harder to enjoy sex!

A sense of pressure can come from anywhere – the porn we watch, our peers or partners, popular culture like TV and movies, or our own personal beliefs – and make us feel like sex should always look, feel and go a certain way. But sex is meant to be about play and pleasure, not pressure and performance.

Try to explore, experiment and enjoy the process. Sex is a skill that takes time to develop, but figuring it out is part of the fun!

Please Note

Sex Sense is a free, pro-choice, sex-positive, and confidential service. Our team of registered nurses, counsellors, and sex educators offer information and resources on sex, sexuality and sexual health.

This post contains general information that may not apply to everyone. It is not a substitute for professional medical diagnosis and treatment or counselling and other mental health supports. If this is a topic that impacts you, please follow up with questions about your own specific situation. We will answer you privately and provide the appropriate information and resources.